The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
