He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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