the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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