I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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