then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
