some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
