Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
