okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
