I think I died a long time ago.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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