This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
