I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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