So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
