I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So apparently I’m into choking now
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