I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
