Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
