Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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