i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
