Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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