So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
