what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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