Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
