I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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