You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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