Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
