Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
