i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
