Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
