Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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