Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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