Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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