Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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