Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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