"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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