I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
