i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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