So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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