went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
