remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
