so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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