someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
