my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
