The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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