Define "chronic" masturbator.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
