I cut my penus on the lid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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