an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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