my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
