and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
