Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
