I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
