My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize