I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
