so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
