I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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