I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
