Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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